Now, with mushrooms!

Know what will never be that cool? Uncle Ben's rice. No, it's true, and even though we all know it, the marketing mavens at Mars, Inc. have recently released a seriously weird TV spot to change/blow minds about its sixty-six year old product.

The ad begins in black and white. A disembodied woman's hand puts a pouch of rice into the microwave, shuts the door, and hits the start button. So far, so bland. Suddenly Dorothy enters the culinary Oz as everything explodes in psychedelic color. Music and lights swirl in circular patters as a party erupts in the kitchen. Clearly the power level is too high.

Ben's balding cranium emerges from the bottom of the screen, looking pretty smug. He's been all high and mighty since he got 'promoted' from servant to chairman a few years ago. Little boxes of rice radiate from the top of his head like a long-grain migraine.

I'm stunned, but not dropped. For a few seconds I'm led to believe in entirely new pinnacles of flavor and spiced, herbal excitement contained in each glistening starchy sliver. Then, I'm back in my living room, returned to normalcy. Sorry, Ben: I was born a Knorr man, and I'll die a Knorr man.