Aveeno's lies! Lies!

Ordinarily I don't go in for too many facial products. I'm a guy, and want my skin to look sand-blasted and rugged in a few years. I secretly aspire to look like Jack Palance. That he's dead only makes him more manly. I've got this 'charged-eye-cream' that's supposed to diminish dark, puffy bags beneath my eyes, but all it does is burn a little, then turn the darkness to a more reddish dark.

Above all that accompanies my rushed morning's retinue, shaving is a drag. Ergo, doing it less is appealing because the extra forty-two seconds spent dragging a dull blade down my sleep-softened cheeks is something I want to avoid at all costs. That's an extra forty-two seconds of sleep, people!

Enter Aveeno, and their 'Positively Smooth' Shave Gel, lightly fragranced with natural soy. What really caught my eye was the audaciously believable claim: helps you shave less often. Like those commercials that show the blades going beneath the skin to lift and cut the hair, it made for dubiously fascinating science. Maybe the boys at the Aveeno institute had made a break-through? Maybe there would be a break-through in the hover-board division, too?

I was enthralled, and so threw down more money for shaving cream than I ever thought willing. Five dollars, to you, but that's five dollars less to spend on cheesy snacks. The following day, I shaved, went to work, came home, watched the news and went to bed, giddy with Christmas-Eve like anticipation. I dreamt of staring into the mirror and seeing my smiling face, without so much as a bristle.

Know what? I still had to shave. every. morning. I still looked like Richard Nixon.
Sure, it smelled like a milk-shake, and I kind of wanted to eat some of it, but while Aveeno may have created the world's first edible shaving cream, that it didn't live up to its main, and boldest boast made me feel cheated. For around a dollar, I bought some Barbasol. The only difference between the two products is that I don't want to eat the latter. Jack Palance would never have been so gullible.