Here are my list of demands. Follow them to the letter, or I break every crayon in the box, beginning with the prized gold and silver ones.
1. Everybody must begin their day with one jumping jack. This they must videotape and post online under the tag line 'wanted: defibrillator.'
2. Water must be carbonated, even in swimming pools. Life preservers must be replaced with giant lemon wedges. Only the refreshed survive.
3. New time signatures for music must be established, beginning with compound signatures like 9/3 time. Can the kids dance to it without a chaperon?
4. Leafy greens will be replaced with nothing, and nothing will be replaced with doughnuts.
5. Pepperdine University must add Salt to its name for diversity's sake. Incoming freshman must be prepared to answer the following in inambic pentamiter: if I have but one life to give for my country, what do I have with mustard stains on my lapel?