Online Edition

Good afternoon, dear readers; here's a summary of the latest news, from the KHLD newsroom:

Last week, it was discovered that Adderall, when taken by someone without ADD, enables serious workplace productivity, mild sweating, and an urge to drink more coffee. Papers that had accumulated into to-do bugaboos vanished instantly, into crisply-detailed filing systems. The supplier and resident chemist prefers to remain unnamed.

In academic news, my current graduate school class has six people in it; the same six people who have been in my previous classes. Argosy's education program needs fresh blood, says George, who quickly agreed with himself. 'George knows what he's talking about,' he said. Over half the reason he joined grad school was to meet women, anyway. George's ego couldn't be reached for comment, but is assumed to be in seclusion, bruised and lonely.

And now, Your Environment and You (special report, sponsored by RAID.) The first centipede of apartment 301 was found sitting idly, and creepily, on the crown-moulding in the dining area. A spotter reported seeing the grotesque pest at around 11:15pm. Spotter thought better of walking beneath it to gain access to the kitchen, for fear it would drop in his hair, clamp down on his scalp, and lay eggs. Spotter went to bed without snack, grumpy.

Here's my electric bill with the weather: You're going to pay through the ass for the comfort I've been providing you, to keep you at an arctic temperature so you can watch How I Met Your Mother reruns. And it's only July, too! Seriously, boy, open that wallet! Wider!

In economic news, personal unemployment remains at 0%, holding strong for the last two-plus years. Attitude this past week has been bolstered by an absence of my boss, who is on vacation until mid-week. Stupid email volume has fallen by eighty-percent, and impromptu 'stand-up' meetings are a distant memory.

That's the news to this hour.