So, how's about them Twins?

If you've been the recipient of any of my mixed-CDs recently, you'll have noted that I'm on a hell of an Elton John kick. From my parent's record collection, I harvested many of his earlier albums which have been in heavy rotation on the turntable, blasting 'Burn Down the Mission,' and 'Mona Lisa's and Mad Hatters' with enthusiastic zeal.

A few years ago, Elton, who battled an addiction to the marching-powder for nearly two decades, reached out to rapper Eminem, who was lost in a narcotic fog of painkillers and booze. The two became friends, and confidants, and Eminem got sober, regained his creative faculties, and recorded a number-one album. Here's where it gets interesting, and damned embarrassing.

Elton's a little bit of a homosexual. Rumor has it that he prefers men, so over a few beers (curse you slayer of inhibitions!), I mentioned to my mother that Eminem, fabled homophobe, sent Elton and his partner David Furnish a gift to commemorate their civil union. No, he didn't send a kitchen appliance. Instead, on a velvet pillow, were two diamond-studded cock-rings.

I don't know, and don't care to know what my mother knows about such, um, sexual implements. I told her the story of the gift, perhaps too brazenly, and let it drop. Here's the thing: She didn't know what a cock ring was. 'Is that some kind of piercing?' she asked. My father, desperately trying to watch the Academy Awards, realized a swift intervention was due. 'We'll talk about it later,' he said, pretending like the rest of us to find James Franco's ironic mugging humorous. Paternal explanation pending, I imagine.

It would have been the opportune time for a serious diversion, like the dog wandering in and biting my face off, a nuclear missile oopsie, or a massive brain hemorrhage, none of which happened. All this Darwinian evolution, and a dog, domesticated for a few thousand years, can't get its shit together to at least have the social-grace to take a well-timed leak on the carpet to save me from withering in humiliation. Man's best friend, indeed.

From Wikipedia's infinite wisdom:

A cock ring, or cock-ring, is a ring that is placed around a man's penis, usually at the base, primarily to slow the flow of blood from the erect penile tissue, thus maintaining erection for a longer period of time.

Cock rings can be worn around just the penis or both the penis and scrotum, or just the scrotum alone, though this is usually called a testicle cuff. Rings can be made of a variety of different materials, most commonly leather, rubber, or silicone, though nylon and metal are also used either as the main component or part of the closure.

I'm not sure how I know about these things, but it might come from having the anatomical equipment. Christ knows I've never purchased, used one, or known a living soul who has, but it's a knowledge that's been stored somewhere in my gray-matter for years, probably at the expense of something more important, and easily less provocative of the awkward humiliation it brings when discussing these things with one's mother.

Levon, Levon likes his cock-ring.