Peanuts and, ya'know, Cracker Jack

Prodigal son Joe Mauer sure knows how to hit a baseball. Boy, howdy, that guy sure can play the game. Love those sideburns, too. Did pretty well over at Cretin grow'n up, played football and baseball with equal aplomb, now has Twins payroll over a barrel, and offers his namesake, image and voice to product endorsements, like Jimmy John's sandwiches. That's the big time.

He's also as articulate and animated as a gagging flounder. It's very possible that his extracurriculars simply didn't allow for much attention to speech class. I listen to WCCO radio a lot in the evenings. It's the perfect, non-narcotic sleep-aid. Sports Tonight with Dark Star is audible Ambien. Nights when he's recapping a Timberwolves game, it's instant-coma.

Joe Mauer is a horrible interview. He reveals nothing enlightening, mumbles, and doesn't seem to possess that great a vocabulary. In short, he's like every other professional athlete. What really sets his passed-ball articulation apart, though, is the number of times he adds 'ya'know' into his incoherence. Listening to Mauer is like riding an elevator that stops on every floor for no reason.

Saying ya'know is the verbal equivalent of pressing the clutch. It's also used far too frequently to equivocate; rather than ending a statement decisively, adding ya'know is like casting the whole thing as a question. It invites, practically begs for contention and debate. Imagine if, in Obama's recent SOTU, he had ended every new initiative with ya'know: 'Job creation must be our top priority, ya'know? And, ya'know, if we're going to, ya'know, get this economy back on track, we've got to, ya'know, kill all Republicans.' Kind of loses much of its luster, but I like that last part.

Mauer's not running for higher office, although he undoubtedly has higher approval ratings in our fair state than most. I think that, at its most disabused, most people intend ya'know to be an informality; a chance to relate with the audience, a reduction, and a chance to hear back, 'yes, I do know. You're right.' In small utterances, people are seeking approval.

None of which means that it isn't obnoxious. I've started keeping track of Mauer's ya'knows. As of this writing, his record stands at twelve, in a forty-five second clip, a .266 average. C'mon, Joe! I know you can, ya'know, do better than that.